A lot of thoughts tonight.

First, the evening’s entertainment. My dad and I went out to Karaoke at the Paradise Lounge last night (we dragged Alison along, which proved to be a bit of a mistake. I’ll get to that, read on.) It was nice to be able to BREATHE (it definately helps when you want to sing) and while the place has really gone downhill, it has nothing to do with I-901. They’re under new management, and the new management has gotten rid of their pizza and cheesy bread (which were really good) and replaced them with an only so-so (if huge) pizza. The bartender says its killing the business, and I believe him: Everytime I’ve been in there before, the karaoke singers had been the minority, but today they dominated. Noone seemed to be there just to eat and/or drink. Rather, they were there for Karaoke.

In fact, the Karaoke rotation was so long that I only got in a handful of songs (between 9 and 2:) Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (first attempt, not too bad, but it’s out of my normal vocal range. With practice, I might be able to do it.) The Night Santa Went Crazy (think it was a first time for some of the audience, I was hearing audible shock amidst the laughter. Quite a bit of fun) and Kryptonite.

Now, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, Alison is violently allergic to cigarette smoke, and even the slightest trace can send her scurrying for an exit. Just as we hit about one AM, we noticed a faint smell of smoke in the air, which we found baffling. Noone was smoking. We even looked around all the entrances and could find noone.

We eventually discovered that, in defiance of Washington’s (new) Clean Indoor Air Act, a group of smokers had been covertly smoking by a (normally locked and barred) side door, well within the 25 foot distance required by the law. In fact, if they were more than two feet away, I would be shocked. It wouldn’t have been a problem, but every once in a while, someone would open the door, sending a wave of smoke wafting through the bar. Repeated attempts to prevail on the smokers to cease their illicit behavior or to prevail on the hosts to intervene failed, and in any case, the remainder of the evening was ruined.

It’s really too bad. I like Janna’s show and had become a regular there before schedule changes forced me to go to another venue during Fall Quarter. I may never go again, I’m not sure.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been really depressed lately, between a situation that’s been going too long and I don’t know how to escape, my accident and the earlier speeding ticket that I still need to go to court over, regular Christmas blues (when everything is right with your relationships, Christmas is a time of warmth and light. When everything is wrong, Christmas is every bit as bitterly cold as this winter is looking to be.) It’s a mess of things. I’m even missing my older brother, who just moved out into his own apartment.

And to add to that, we have JadeHellBringer and Strawberry Fairy’s drama. This is silly, but JHB & SBF and their public relationship has been a constant in my life for some time, a rock of sorts that, despite admittedly knowing neither of them well, I had grown to depend upon. Make of that what you will, but seeing seemingly normaly, seemingly stable relationships of people you can at least confirm being real just makes the world seem so much more hopeful.

Seeing those relationships disintegrate is equally disheartening. The simple fact of the matter is that I am a technician by my very nature: When I see problems, I try to figure out what caused them, so I can fix them. Therefore, whenever somthing like this happens, I will unwisely try to go in and figure out what happened and tonight, the Mountain Dew (of which I drank far too much) coursing through my veins, I decided to go see what their Blogs had to say about it.

I come away in something of a shock. The parallels to my parents’ divorce are eerie. I see some of the exact accusations, the exact phrases being used, and it has reopened some old wounds for me. Seeing as I (as I said) know neither of them well, am in no position to be giving anyone relationship advice, and cannot at this point possibly be objective, I left no comment on their blogs.

Just so you guys know, I’m not putting anything on you. You don’t have any kind of responsibility to me, and I acknowledge that. You can consider yourselves guilt-free for the rest of this meandering multi-rant.

But it puts a fine point on how everything you do can ripple throughout the community around you. When a relationship collapses, the community around it feels the event like a punch or a hard slap to the face. It staggers. Sometimes it bleeds. It has to stop to collect its wits.

I’ve taken a few too many of these punches to the face lately. This last I’ve been discussing wasn’t even the trigger event. That was something that happened Monday, before the accident. Something I can’t even explain. I’ve lately been feeling like I’d like to get out of the ring again.

My essential nature is such that when a problem presents itself, I will instantly begin to analyse it and try to find solutions. The process begins unconsciously, and suddenly I have presented to me a laundry list of options for effectively ending my life, which scares the hell out of me. I realise I really don’t want to do it, and I decide to just try to get some sleep, and hope I feel better in the morning, though I know I won’t.

But don’t worry — I’m not in serious danger, gentle readers. I know it will get better. It always does. I’m sorry if this glimpse into my mind terrifies you or disturbs you in any way. I just needed someone to talk to, and you were the only ones handy. I’ll go to sleep now, and I’ll talk to you in the morning.

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